It’s the grip of the hand on our own lives that causes a miscommunication between our spirit and the spirit of Christ to trust in him. This grip blocks our own mentality from the mind of Christ. Though we are instructed to let the mind of Christ be within us life happens, the enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. So how do we let go and when we do let go, what do we do with the new found space in our hands that once gripped everything to feel secure?
As young girl I discovered the art of perfectionism, covering up, and feeling as though God comes and goes in my life. In latter years that developed an anger towards God as I reached out to others things to fill a void that only he could fill. I held onto until my hands bled and those that I was holding onto I began to hurt. I believed that God was not as steadfast as he said he would be, and the fact that he would not leave me or forsaking me was only because I was doing right toward him, the church, or my family. When mistakes happened or I made decisions that did not please God shame, guilt, and self-degradation were the only ways to explain why he’d want to leave me.
Years and years went by and as I finally entered into a personal relationship with Jesus, I felt loved for the first time. He showed me that people can love me, but I put them in the place of him and loved in a way that was not healthy. This lead to unmet expectations, broken friendships, and keeping silent to exist in what was left of a friendship, family relationship, and a romantic relationship. I performed for Jesus in order to receive the love God gives, it was my only way to pay the dues I owed in him being a holy, righteous, powerful, authoritative, one wrong and you’re done God. I would be surprised by moments where Jesus would pull me closer in depression, in the breaking down, and hard seasons in life, but fulling trusting that God would never leave me and that Jesus always works everything out for my good, that was something that was a little too eerie.
My hands were weary, bruised, but I was comfortable and safe.
“I love you.” he’d whisper to my heart time and time again. As I continue to journey with him through the ups and downs Jesus would slowly teach me how to let go. He reminded me time and time again that he would never leave by bringing people into my life that had his love pouring out through their pores. So much so, I’d have to pinch myself to see if my life was real (I still do today). He brought me to a place of healing where i’d let go a little and continue to do through the pain. He always bring me back to himself. He showed me of how much he loved me. My view of God slowly changed as I realized that he is a father that has structure, but at the beginning of the day delights in me and desires for me to delight in him. From there my path is made firm as I walk with Jesus.
I sat on the phone with a dear friend Jesus blessed me with doing my best to write about trusting Jesus. Months prior to us meeting I wore perfectionism and covered up well. Living life outside in I created my own reality that did not line up with God’s vision for my life. As we hung out and Jesus just sat in on our conversations leading them with healing, love, and grace I began to come into a different imperfect reality. That i’m loved no matter what, God loves me, Jesus purses me, walks with me, and leads me daily. I am loved, through the hard seasons, mistakes, and choices I make. I don’t have to be perfect, I don’t have to cover up and for the first time I can come out of my head and live life inside out.
Jesus shares: “Blind Pharisee! First clean what is on the inside of the cup and dish, and the outside will be clean also.” -Matthew 23:26
He calls us to repentance to him, confession to one another, to love him with everything we have, and to love others as we love ourselves. For we overcome by our testimony, so if we keep silent about our pain, our struggles, the ups and downs of life how can we heal? We do not heal when we silently grip our lives in the name of perfectionism, covering up, or fear of the unknown.
Backspacing again and again I messaged my friend and finally faced what I’d didn’t want to face in the new season I was in, perfectionism and the shame and guilt that comes with it. I shared the deep struggle of the shame and guilt in living out of perfectionism rather than being loved. I shared how I was slowly letting go of that.
“When we do let go, what do we do with the new found space in our hands that we once held tightly to feel secure?” I asked her
She replied simply, “Simply be, and let him love you.”
It is the letting go of the bruised hand bleeding and torn and allowing Jesus to put his scared, sacrificial loving hand in yours covering every sin, leading you into new life. Loving you into his likeness and challenging you to reach for him as he purses you daily. Leaning on him daily, as you learn to live, move, and breathe in him. Delighting in him. Amen.
Let him love you. For proverbs tells us, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct they path.” – Proverbs 3:5-6 It’s okay to lean on him, it is a must, and he invites us to submit to his love in everything we do. Amen.
So, let him love you. Letting go and holding onto Jesus is the only is the way we can learn to trust in him. The unknown can be filled with Jesus for the past has God written all over it. For he’ll show you that you can always trust in him as he walks with you daily, as he leans down to listen, and you following him as he leads. Let him love you.
Lord I want to know your love. I trade my this grip on life for a grip on you. Lead me lord in this fragile, messy, beautiful life you have given me, and show me that I can trust you. I’m in need of you always Lord. Thank you for loving me. Amen.
What are some areas, things, people, you hold onto that cause worry, anxiety, shame, and guilt in your life?
Devotional Song// Isla Vista Worship -Surrender